JOHNNY E.:
I met the love of my life at rehab. Don't remember her name, but she lived in Southern Virginia and I traveled six hours. This was four hours from my home, so I'll do that anytime. If I travel six hours to get loaded, I'll travel four to stay sober. I made a fun time with it. Brought the kids, the wife, we were at Silver Springs with manatees today. Touched one, it's pretty cool. I know I'm not supposed to. I did. Very cool. Very cool city.
I should preface with... When I came, I was in and out for a long time and I didn't know what I was. I just heard you guys say you're alcoholics, so I'm really good at parroting that. I didn't know what that meant in this room. Sometimes I hear different messages of what that is, but the book is very, very clear about what real alcoholism is. If I say anything that ruffles your feathers or offends you, that's not my intention. But if I say anything that's not in the book, I highly recommend you to not listen to it. I will kill you. Oh no, I will. My whole third step problem is I think I know what's best for everyone. And my advice, I couldn't get sober, so why do you want my thoughts about it?
So luckily there's a chapter called There is a Solution. We have one singular solution in Alcoholics Anonymous. When we get out of here, some of you might stay sober with float tanks or, I don't know, kayaking or meeting the love of your life or finding that good medicine or that best therapist. That's awesome. And what we find out is that's perfect for the hard drinker as defined on page 20. But the real alcoholic, none of that will work in the end.
Yeah, I was given an inadequate message and I always thought I was sober. And I couldn't realize why I kept picking up. My last use was August 7th of 2006. I just lied to you. August 16th of 2007. I remember August 15th. It was the day I tried to kill myself. But I was not sober. My friend just asked me, how long have you been sober? I actually don't know. I know I haven't used since August 15th of 2007. I have no idea when I recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. The word recovered is used 16 times in the book. The word recovering is only used twice. And it's when working with a newcomer. So what it means is I recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body, but that means that it's contingent upon how I'm living today.
But I digress. I also, I had a moment, I was telling some of you, we packed up the car and then my son came out with a bigger rod. And so we moved everything to my wife's car and I didn't bring my big book. And about two hours into the road trip, I'm like, shit. Oh, I curse like a sailor. I apologize. I'll try not to. Anyhow, I found one. So I hope this doesn't sound cheesy, but like it means when we say we're armed with the facts, I'm armed with the facts right now. I am not armed with the facts right now. I'm armed with the facts, the facts about what alcoholism is. And it's in the literature.
So I keep in my big book, I keep my six step. It's the causes and condition we find out from our fourth and fifth. So here's a little bit about who I am. I feel sorry for myself and I love sitting in self-pity. I justify everything I do. I actually think I'm more important than you. I criticize all of you behind your back. I have tons of negative thoughts. I'm the person that would win the lottery and immediately think I have to give that how much to the government. My private browser is disgusting. You don't want to see it. I'm insincere. I'm deceptive. I'm hypocritical. I procrastinate and put everything off to the last minute. I'm impatient. I hate a lot of you. I'm envious of what you have. I'm jealous you're going to take my things. I'm too lazy to do anything about it. I lie all the time. Totally selfish. I'm a fear of being offended at all times. I'm afraid I'm not going to get what I want or lose what I already have. That's as soon as my eyes open in the morning. I make life-threatening decisions to the pisser every morning. Thank God this program has a step that tells me exactly what I'm supposed to do as soon as I wake up. Upon awakening it says. Because my default is not good.
I always thought I was a good person. I was not a good person. Because I'm a really good chameleon. We find out in this scenario of the actor is that I'm going to get what I want and I'm either going to force you to do it or I'm going to manipulate you to do it and make you think that you did it. But I'm going to do it. It's usually if I see a big person I'm just going to be like yo dude and I'll just find out what your favorite football team is. I'm like yeah it's awesome me too. No I like the birds. Go birds. But if I think I'm stronger than you I'm like come over here do this. I just want you guys to do what I want you to do. I don't realize that that ends up being the root of my troubles. But I didn't know any of this.
So I was born in Philadelphia and I had kind of a picture perfect family. My father did really well for himself. He was drafted by the Padres. He did really well in business. We lived at golf clubs and private schools and I had everything I ever needed. I did have this delusion that I needed to be the best. Like my one brother played college football. My other brother was a star athlete. My sister ran the Penn Relays and I was okay. I was just okay at sports. And so for some reason I thought well if they're the best I have to be the best. And I just wasn't naturally gifted like as athletic as the rest of my family. So I just made the decision I'm going to be the best student. What that means is I take tests really well and I'm going to study my ass off.
I remember the year before eighth grade I knew I was going to be taking Spanish for the first time. So I watched Univision all summer just so I could have a leg up on you. I don't know what a B is. I was a straight A student from grade school. I was valedictorian of my prep school. I got a full academic scholarship to college. I share all that not to brag. I didn't realize I suffered from something that doesn't give a shit how smart I am. Because it is smarter. So I was never going to be like you guys. I'd walk in and be like oh man, hey, they got issues. And luckily I've never met someone too dumb to get sober. I've been to a lot of funerals of smart people.
Out of high school I went to college and then in college there was this... I'm going to share. Who knows where we're going. There was an incident that happened in high school. My mom banged my best friend's dad who was the history teacher at the prep school. And I share that because I wanted to murder Chuck. Chuck ruined my life. My parents split up. All the kids in... Just imagine being 16 and all of the boys at the prep school know your mom's a whore. It's funny now, but her name's Eleanor. So they get really creative of rhyming that. So I was not going. So I went down south. After college I did well there and I got offered this job developing software back in Y2K. We thought the planes were going to fall out of the sky so I was developing code around the world. And they were paying me a shit ton of money and I was 21 years old. And on paper everything was great. The parties were awesome. It was sex, drugs, and rock and roll. It was a great life. Drinking's great. If you guys don't know that, drinking is great. Also I'm a crackhead so crack's amazing. I hear heroin, the perfect nod, whatever land that you hear. That's okay. We find out that alcohol's not the problem. It's the thought before the first use that ends up being the problem.
But anyhow, I had that resentment my whole life. It spiraled. I started to give away all of my belongings for a next one. And I share that specifically. I used the language I gave it away. I used to tell everyone that I lost it. I lost my job. I lost my car. I lost Leah. All my money's gone. I lost that. No. Somebody's working. It's not lost. Somebody else is working at the job. Somebody's probably having sex with Leah right now. She's not on a milk carton. I didn't lose her. I gave her away. I thought I was an excellent boyfriend. But the women I date don't like when you vanish for four days at a time. So I gave all my worldly possessions away. My house was getting foreclosed on. My car got repoed. And then I started in and out of rehabs. And if you've gone to rehab, that's awesome. You don't have to go to rehabs in AA. But if you go, awesome. That's great. Separate yourself. I was in and out. And I went to seven of them.
I landed in Phoenix, Arizona for one of them. And I really wanted to be sober. I couldn't believe what had happened. And I was gonna do it. And I met one of you. And one of you said, Hey, we could go find some crack in Phoenix. And I'm like, sure, we should probably do that. I've never done cocaine in Phoenix. It's probably good. And what I didn't realize, see, I didn't know what I suffered from. That I had this strange mental blank spot. That my self-will and knowledge is gonna be enough. But it's not. And I found myself loaded in Arizona. And my default used to be, I would go to rehab. I'd break all the rules, because they're for you, not me. I'd feel some consequences. I'd probably use. And then I'd say, well, I think my insurance is good. And I'd come back. And I don't know what happened this time. But we went. We found what we were looking for. He bugged out as soon as he took a hit. And I was like, no. No, that's not the way I party. This is not fun. He's like, I gotta go back. I'm like, see you later.
And so now I'm about 40 minutes from the rehab. And I'm just gonna do the little bit I have. And then sneak back and hopefully not get caught. And I don't know what happened. One day became two days. And two days became a week. And a week became five and a half months on the streets. I'm not from Philadelphia. I'm from the suburbs of Philadelphia. And I share that, because Phoenix ate me alive. I had no idea what city life was.
JOHNNY E.:
All I'd ever seen is these movies and these books. And so I just emulated that behavior. I got a cardboard sign. It said, "wallet stolen, trying to get back to Philly." And people gave me money. It was wild. Because I didn't look like a crackhead. And then weeks later, when you're not eating, I look like a crackhead and you don't make as much. And so I needed to find other ways.
And so I would steal from stores, like mom and pop shops, and then just living out at pawn shops. And one day, a lady of the night came by. And if you've ever been—has anyone been homeless here? Like, really, really? Cool. All right, so you know you have that radius that wherever your best liquor store, your best dealers, you can't leave that radius. God forbid. You've got to have access. So every homeless person knows each other in this radius.
And this lady of the night came over, and she says, "Listen, I've seen you around. You know, you could make money the old-fashioned way." But remember, I'm that good test taker. I was like, "What? I was like, what?" But the obsession to use was on. She told me what it would entail. I became a male escort for ladies in Scottsdale, Arizona, and that led to full male prostitution.
Anybody in this room that has five or $10 is a client. And if you've never worked the sex industry, you're not missing anything. It's awful. You basically do a vile act against your value system to get loaded, to forget about what you just did. But I don't know what kind of drinking and drugs you did, but it wears off. And now you're left with more shame.
I should mention at this time, back then we had pay phones. Whatever. And I needed 50 cents to at least let my loved ones know I was alive. But I had a dealer that would front me a $5 rock. So I'm not wasting 10% to call home to hear them say, "Stop doing it." I'm like, "I'm not doing that."
I also share that the biggest lie I ever told myself is that I was only hurting myself. What I didn't know is that I upended my loved one's lives. My mom and dad were flying to Phoenix three separate times. They were searching every Oxford house, and treatment center, and tent city over there. It's a jail. Hospitals. I didn't know. I had never vanished before in my story. I always tucked my tail between my legs and asked for help. And I never vanished before.
So what I didn't know is that they were convinced I was dead. And they were waiting for the call. And if anybody here has, it's just a phone, it's just a ringer. I tortured them. So to move on with their life, they had a memorial service for me. So I've technically been buried already.
I came to one morning. I was 136 pounds. So I'm about 177 now. So take 40 pounds off me. I thought I looked good. And I'd woken up, and somebody either pissed on me, or it flowed down the hill. And my right sole of my shoe was worn. There was a hole in the sole of my shoe. I don't know if you ever walked with a sole this big. I don't know if you ever walked with a soulless shoe. It's awful.
And so I turned a corner, and I saw a Salvation Army. And it had always been there, I guess. And I was like, "Wow." And something compelled me to walk in. I walked in, and I fell to my knees, and I begged for help. And a social worker came over and gave me a phone. Right now, I don't want to get loaded. So right now, I can remember the shriek of my mother's voice when she heard me on the other line. I can remember that right now.
Here's what I suffer from. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice and drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the pain and suffering of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense.
I will leave here tonight, and if I think about getting loaded, I will not remember the shriek of my mother's voice. That's what I suffer from. When it talks about what we have, it says, at a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where his most powerful desire to stop is of no avail. The tragic situation has arrived practically in every case before it's noticed.
So this is 1930s language. What that means—here's where I will apologize in advance. But actually, no, I don't apologize because I think it's a shitty message that's being delivered. I can't play the tape through. I can't drink. Don't drink no matter what. Meeting makers make it. 90 to 90. What, on day 91? What, are we allowed to go get loaded?
Now, they're probably good ideas. Put the plug in the jug. Call your sponsor before every decision. That doesn't help real alcoholism in the end. No human power can help me, so I can't be sponsor of a line. I drink no matter what. That's what I suffer from.
On page... Then we have a certain type of hard drinker. I've never met a moderate drinker in the room, so I'm going to skip over that part. Then we have a certain type... There are people that have half a glass of wine and pay their bill. They don't know what's coming behind them. Yeah, they, uh... Maybe you work with them. "Hey, you guys want to get a drink after work?" They mean a drink. They have a—what? No, I take a drink and wake up naked in Tijuana.
Then we have a certain type of hard drinker. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time, causing ill health, falling in love, change of environment, moving to Ocala, going to treatment, the warning of a doctor, falling in love. This man can stop or moderate.
And so I share that because some of you might be hard drinkers. And it's awesome. Welcome. We welcome everyone. I have a problem when the hard drinker who had given a sufficiently strong reason can stop or moderate is telling the real alcoholic to keep coming back no matter what. And don't, you know, doesn't emphasize what they suffer from nor the program of action that guarantees having had a spiritual awakening as the result of the steps. It's a promise.
Go, go to meetings. I love going to meetings. I'm not saying don't go to meetings, but I think meetings are like—I was talking to my buddy Mike. I go to meetings armed with the facts and I start off myself and say, "Well, on page 62, it says I found myself in a meeting. There were 12 of us and we were all like 10 years sober." I'm like, "What are we doing here? What are we doing here?" But what about the real alcoholic?
Page 21. He may start off a moderate drinker. He may or may not become a continuous hard drinker. That little line, I apologize for your ego right here because mine really took a knock because there are drinkers that drink more than us. How dare they say that? Yeah. So I don't know any of this, right?
So I call. I manipulate back home. I promised myself I wouldn't do that again. And I was taking that stuff—I was taking that to the grave. And so I landed back in Philadelphia and my father—maybe you have loved ones like this. My dad pulled me aside. He goes, "John, the next time you want to use, don't." I think I replied with, "All right."
And he came up to me and he said, "You were always the child of mine that had the most potential. I want to give you one more shot. I think you can do this." And he gave me a job making six figures again at 80-90 days absent. And I got paid once. And I did it again.
What I didn't know is the almost certain consequences that were going to follow. That did not crowd into my mind to determine because if that thought occurred, it was hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time I'll handle myself. This time I'll just have a few hits. This time I'll just have a few drinks.
There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps me from putting my hand on the hot stove. So what is real alcoholism? I burn my hands on the stove consistently. And even with a scar. "Oh, is it that hot? Ah, shit, it is." What's cool is the 10th step tells me I'm going to recoil like it from a hot flame. So the 10th step guarantees I don't touch the stove.
First step, I'm going to 100%. And so if you're here without a solution and you're picking up some significant abstinent time—awesome. But if you suffer from what I suffer from, you might have this strange mental defect that I'll say, "Hey, you've been sober three years. You can smoke some weed." Or you know what? "It's that clear liquid that makes you beat your wife. Drink whiskey." I don't know, that's what my brain tells me.
Don't smoke crack. Shoot heroin. Alright, so I do it again. And the... I remember when I met Jay. Every dealer was just an initial. And I'm by myself. Now mind you, it used to be parties, orgies, fun. Now it's isolated in the woods by myself crying while trying to get euphoria to stop the tears. But they keep flowing.
And so that was August 15th of 2007. My mother was a realtor. And she was out on appointments and so I decided that I was going to kill myself in her garage. And also you should know at this point do not mention the God word to me. I was an atheist. I did not believe. And I think you're an idiot if you do. That's where I was. There's no way there could be a God after the horror of the streets.
So I tried to poison myself in the garage. God stepped in. My mom's two appointments canceled and she decided to come home to make her 30-year-old boy child living in her basement a crock pot dinner. She found me unconscious in the garage. I don't remember anything from that.
And I woke up in Chester County Memorial Hospital angry that I was alive because I had made my peace to die. They sent me to a place that takes shoelaces. Up there it's a 302 facility. Down here it's a Baker Act. And the psychologist told me I wasn't insane. Awesome. Great. Guess what? We both know something. But I didn't know. I just thought I knew. I thought I knew what alcoholics and addicts were. I didn't know.
JOHNNY E.:
And they sent me, the guy recommended me to go back to a different rehab, my seventh rehab. And this other fellowship got a hold of my mom and they taught her to say no. Al-Anon was all my first four step. And so I went to rehab because I didn't have anywhere else to go. And I'll let you know the state of mind I was in. I was going to kill myself again. But I know I can't say that because they're going to send me back to the horse from Kling.
So here I am suicidal and I land at Miramont, and this other fellowship, the one that starts with the nuh, brought a message in. And the message was of depth and weight. The guy that carried the message told my story. I remember I was looking, I always stare, at this point in my life, this was my life. I looked at my feet and if I did it was just like... So I'm looking at my shoes and this guy gets up there and I don't know his name. I did weird shit with wieners for money and I'm like I don't say anything but I'm like what? There's two of us?
And so the way I look at it now, because we live life forward but understand it backwards, I stopped being an atheist that day. I switched to an agnostic. Because atheists have no belief in God and agnostics have no knowledge of God. And at that moment I believed the stranger. Now I just didn't know what he had done or the power he had tapped into. I don't know any of this and I get honest with my therapist. He's like, "Whoa dude, I'm going to send you to Florida." I'm like, "I'm not going to go to Florida."
So I landed in Florida and I did treatment. I was in a driveway house and this is, I think, where I'm going to say this is why I think I don't ever want to be self-righteous. I just want to tell you where the passion comes from, from what Alcoholics Anonymous is and the solution that's offered. I was presented an inadequate message once again. I went to meetings and I would hear you speak and you speak and you speak and you speak. I need that in my life. I need your approval. I need your attention. I need your recognition.
So I come here, listen to your message, and I go on the meeting app—or it was a booklet back then—and go to another meeting and just repeat what she said. I'm not doing what she said, I just repeat what she said so now I look and sound sober. And so I started working at a legal call center, but I was sober and I was stealing, lying, and stealing every day. I should have realized there was a problem because I was making about $7,000 a week living in a halfway house trying to make my dad proud.
I met a girl there; she was way more broken than me. And then I went to another meeting and I met another person who was armed with the facts and carried the solution, and I wanted what he had. So I went up to him after the meeting. I'm like, "Yo, I've only ever said Bill's my sponsor." He's like, "Who's Bill?" I'm like, "No one, he's just the guy I put on the wall so I can get one hour extra curfew for all my halfway house people, you know what I'm talking about?"
And he asked me a few questions and I was willing to do what he had asked. And then I turned around and I hit my car key and I went, "Er er." And he looked down and he goes, "Is that your car?" I was like, "Yeah, why?" He's like, "How long have you been sober?" "About seven months." I'm like, "Oh, software developer, where?" And I told him. He goes, "Oh, you're a fucking thief." And I'm like, "How dare you?" But I believed him. He goes, "Dude, you're wasting your time. Just go get loaded. Thieves don't get sober. Stop it. I'll take you. Let's go get loaded." I'm like, "What the fuck is this? What all sponsors are like? I can't do this."
And so I went and I met this other girl; her name was V. And I was like, "Hey, we can't be doing this." And she wasn't in recovery; she just worked there. And so I rescued this broken woman and I was like, "Let's go play house together." And so we got a place and then I decided to put myself back into school because I wanted to be a counselor. And then I became a licensed clinician in the state of Florida.
And then I did the work as outlined in the book that I use in step one and I was willing to believe that this guy that called me out on it believed that was my step two experience. And then I took the position change in step three. I've heard that step three sometimes you hear in meetings; it says make a commitment to finish your steps. It's not what it says. It says this is the how and why of it. First, we have to quit playing God; it doesn't work.
Next, we decided that hereafter we are director; he's the principal, we are his agent. So a proper third step position is I become an agent of God starting right now. I use this as an analogy: I love the movie Jerry Maguire, but if you guys know that movie, Rod Tidwell doesn't go to the Arizona Cardinals owner and say, "Hey, show me the money." No, he tells the agent, "This is what I want."
So if Jerry Maguire is going to act on behalf of Rod Tidwell, it's Cuba Gooding Jr. You guys know this movie. Now, if I'm going to be an agent of God or I'm going to be an agent of the principal and the principal is God, I got to start acting on behalf of God starting right now. I got to stop being a shithead right now. I got to stop stealing and lying and being dishonest and justifying myself and criticizing you and having a private browser.
Then I went into a fourth step. I did not stop at three and tell everyone how sober I was. It says we launch into a course of vigorous action. I've never seen a spaceship go slow, so that's the pace we do step work. Launch into a course of vigorous action. We look at the causes and conditions and the makeup of our failure. I look at who I resent, where I've been. I resent my fears and my sex conduct. It's not who I had sex with; it's how I manipulate others for flirtation and attention.
I'm a married man; my parents both have light blue eyes. They come in handy, but not as a married man they shouldn't. And so I don't wear orange anymore because that's what brings out blue eyes. It was my closing tie before and my resentment. So let's go back to I told you about Chuck, right? Fuck Chuck. He banged my mom; he embarrassed me. Andy and I aren't friends anymore. I was ridiculed. What did it affect? It affected everything—my relationships. I lost a best friend; people mocked me; my self-esteem was shattered.
What's my part? You guys know that? In the fourth column? I'm lying. We list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done. We resolutely look for our mistakes, not our part. Where have we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we try to disregard the other person entirely. Where am I to blame? The inventory's mine, not his. When we see our faults, we list them, we admit our wrongs honestly, and we're willing to set the matter straight.
I don't have a part in my mom fucking Chuck. What's my part? I don't have a part. Thank God somebody told me, "What's your mistake? Where are you to blame?" I've been bad-mouthing Chuck's name for 25 years. Like I said, fuck Chuck. It rolls. I'll tell you why we should hate Chuck. I'm very passionate about this because I met the presence of God in my direct amends to Chuck in the 9th step. I realized this, what you guys were talking about was true.
So I did a 5th. Do I want to hold on to this inventory? And 6th, like I love feeling self-righteous, but God doesn't want me to do that. And I don't know how to forgive myself. Thank God I'm tapping into a power that can. And 7th, and then I make direct amends to them. I don't know what a living amends is. I make direct amends reminding myself for victory over alcohol. I may face jail, loss of position, reputation; we must not shrink in anything.
I'm going to just say I'm going to stay sober and do a living amends to my mom. I don't think I'm going to stay sober. Amends is I'm going to hand the power over to her. "Mom, I tortured you and stole you from your other children, and I don't want to live like that. How can I make this right?" I'm handing over the power for her to tell me how to make it right. That's the difference between an amends and an apology.
And then luckily at that 9th step I should be free. We have these 9th, 10th promises that come true, but I make life-threatening decisions as soon as I wake up. So I have a 10th step to stay vigilant all throughout the day and I suck at doing that. Start, "God, show me what to do, who to be." And at the end of the day, shit, where did I fuck up?
Then with that, I go seek others in the 12th step. That is what I think where I found the most freedom. I buried a lot of sponsees, but like I told you, my job is just to trudge side by side with them. I'm no better than anybody, but I digress. Ten years working at a treatment center, life's good. I'm of service, I have a ton of sponsees, I'm doing GSR work, and the federal government came to see me about that call center. I won't bore you with the details, but I was served with a paper that said United States of America versus John Thomas E.
JOHNNY E.:
I have a common name; you gotta know the middle name to find my record. You can look it up. I spent 20 years in a maximum-security prison because the company I developed the software for continued to use it after I left, and the government said, "You're culpable for everything," which was a 30 million dollar fraud. So, I took a plea deal, and I took a plea deal for my wife as well because they were coming after her, and she was pregnant at the time with my firstborn.
So, I strolled into federal prison at five years sober. Eighteen months in, my wife came to visit me with my newborn, and she told me she was pregnant with another man's child. Yep, that's why I have to be careful telling the story because if you cosign my resentment, I can hold on to it. But there is no such thing as a justified resentment; it's just a resentment with a really good story.
I found that if I stop—I'm only sharing this for context—if I stop telling the story, I don't see with homicidal thoughts. V, Jack, Jam, and Jackie—that's the new family. They were living in my house in Florida, and so I couldn't go there when my bid ended. I went back to Philadelphia to do my probation and found out that my dad was terminally ill.
Now, in a perfect world, I go to be a father to my son, but God allowed me to take care of my dad for the last 15 months of his life while I had an ankle monitor. I kept my license active. If you're a therapist with an ankle monitor, it's cool if you wear really long pants, like a size 34 instead of a 32—they can't see it.
While there, I met another therapist; she's my wife today. I told Sabrina that my life's in Florida, and once this is over, do you want to come with me? She's like, "Yeah, I'm from Chicago; I don't give a shit." It was 10 years ago. We came back down to Florida, and I was able to make amends to my ex-wife.
I have mistakes that I made with her, and setting aside everything that she'd done, I freed her up to apologize for her behavior. She didn't have to, but when I went to her and said, "Hey, I want to make some things right with you," she said yes. What's cool is through that process, we got 50-50 custody.
We decided every other Thursday was family dinner, which was me, my wife, Jam, and Finn—my boys V, Jackie, and Jack. So, we'd have family dinner, and V and I decided that we would show Jam that we don't have to teach him about what love is; we just show him what love is. People would see it online, and they're like, "Is that you and V?" I'm like, "Yeah, I thought she fucked that dude." I'm like, "Yeah, she did, but what's cool is..."
I'll share this: today we were kayaking at Silver Springs. It was Jam and Sabrina in one boat, and Finn and I created a game. We get five points for every turtle, five points for every bird, two points for a dragonfly, 60 points for an alligator, and 90 points for a mammoty. Every time he says it, it's better than any crackhead I've ever had.
"Mammoty got a stuffed animal, mama." I was like, "Oh, it's a girl?" "No, it's a boy." Cool, that doesn't exist if my first wife didn't do what she did. God set that up perfectly, so thank you, V, for giving me Finn and allowing me to meet Sabrina.
My favorite line in this program is: I don't want to minimize or mitigate anything that anyone's going through. I know a lot of us carry a lot of burdens, and maybe the loved ones are struggling, or maybe you're struggling, or whatever it is—whether it's financial or emotional. Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing that makes life seem so worthwhile to us.
Now cling to the thought that in God's hands, the dark past is the greatest possession you have—the key to life and misery. It doesn't say anything about the dark present; the dark present sucks. But all the present moments will become the past, and once you guys come through whatever you're going through—divorce, grief, whatever—and you can walk in the sunlight of the spirit and find someone who's going through that, you will realize why you have been able to help so many men and women who are facing legal stuff.
Yes, I said women. I sponsor women. Marty Mann is the first woman of AA; Bill Wilson was her sponsor. If I'm not spiritually fit to sponsor a woman, I shouldn't be sponsoring anyone. Now listen, if it works for you—men with men and women with women—that's fine. I sponsor gay men too; they want to do something wild with me—it's none of my business. We have a step for that, and it's allowed me to hopefully try to be of maximum service.
It's the only thing I've ever found that was free and exactly what I needed. What I think I know is my greatest problem—those three years in prison—this was the only book I had. I know the literature; knowing this and living this are two different things. I never wanted to be the person that I was. I never wanted to be the person that quotes it and tells you what it says and not be a demonstration of it.
I fail miserably. If you want to know how spiritual I am, I can give you Sabrina's number. My nickname is "Prick." I'll tell you what spiritual giant you have before you. No man, hopefully the man I am today will drink again. I have to seek to improve what God wants for me. Being here with you has put a lot of things into perspective. I'm so honored. Thank you so much for having me.